and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
You can't just leave with hair like that
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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