If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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