I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I need to calm my uterus...
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
