I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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