Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
