Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
