i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?