I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Randomize
