we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
