Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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