At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
