I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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