Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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