You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
he's single and there are thong briefs.
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