I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize
