I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
