My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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