i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
