I am puke
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
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