The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
