Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
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so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
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He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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