do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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