He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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