she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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