I have demons in me.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
