My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
