y did u give ur computer a hand job?
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
