do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
