I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
