so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize
