I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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