hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
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