Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
porn star boner night. come get it.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
