ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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