apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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