and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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