The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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