He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
