Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Randomize
