We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
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