I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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