I want to make a zoo with you.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
