I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
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