he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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