Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
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You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
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There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."