If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.