How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
I faked an abortion last night.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
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you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
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The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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