The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
