i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
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