"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
