I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
