Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Randomize