I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
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