My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
