I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
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