I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
